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Dear Amazon: You suck donkey

Dear Amazon:

You suck donkey balls. I am a long time customer, but your newfound reluctance to let me find what I want on your site has driven me elsewhere. I have not bought anything on Amazon in over 6 months. I have been shopping at Barnes and Noble instead -even though i know it is a few dollars more- because I can find what I am looking for.

Ever since you instituted that full text book search, your site has blown the big one. I like the idea of a full text search, but you fucked up your database, you and all your bookstore cronies. I ran an SQL server not so long ago, and I know what you did. You inserted all the full text into your primary search database. This means that when I go to search for a book or movie title, I have to wade through dozens of other unrelated titles that just get in my way and make me want to fly to Seattle and kick you in the nuts.

To bring your customers back (and, not incidentally, lessen your risk of getting kicked in the sack) I suggest that you give the full text search a secondary importance in the database, or perhaps give it another database entirely, and let me choose which database I wish to search from. Yes, Yes, I know, your normal customer demographic would be confused by that. FINE, let me control it, make it an advanced search if you must. You see, when I search for something, let’s say, the Old 97’s, I don’t want to see cookbooks that combine the words, old and 97 somewhere on the same page. Considering that my search string matches a fairly popular band, how about showing me those results first, and getting into the secondary results later?

I’m sure someone told you that this would make you more money, so that I am exposed to random book titles as I search for music, or random bands as I search for DVD’s. Well, it doesn’t, it just pisses me off and makes me write angry letters like this one. I should let you know that I certainly intend to use your search system however, in order to read customer reviews and use up as much of your bandwidth as possible until you resolve this problem.

Oh, and one other thing. You have video games mixed in with “toys.” No self respecting gamer wants to buy video games from a toystore where everything is flowery and purple. No, I’m not kidding. Go visit your site if you don’t believe me. It’s like that crappy McDonald’s commercial where they visit Grimace’s homeland and he gets beaten up and put in hamburgers because he is a big fat goon and trade tarrifs on beef have gone up. So yes, your website reminds me of a big fat goon hawking hamburgers. That can’t be good for business.

-Sincerely,
A Concerned Customer who seriously does want to kick you in the nuts

1 Response to “Dear Amazon: You suck donkey”


  • OMG. Once again Steve comes through.

    One funny thing though is that Barnes and Noble is either owned or partnered with Amazon, so you aren’t really shoppping at the competitor’s store…

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