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Are You Threatening Me? My

Are You Threatening Me?
My friends wanted to eat Dim Sum today. Great, we’ll go at noon, after I get out of church. Hmm. No can do, I learn. Dim Sum starts around 9AM and the carts stop making their rounds at 1 PM. By the time we are all ready and get to the restaurant, there won’t be much time to eat.

I came up with a solution. I’ll go to church 2 hours early, at 9 AM. That gives us plenty of time to eat. Another problem. The 9 AM mass is in Spanish. I wouldn’t understand a word Father is saying. Alright, I didn’t want to do this but …

I woke up at 6 AM. This is after going to bed at 2. Four hours of sleep is not enough for any man. I get ready and go to church and it works out fine. In fact, it gets out 10 minutes early! I am sitting in my car, in the parking lot, with the engine running, trying to get people to get breakfast or coffee with me. When I am about to leave, this green minivan pulls up next to me, on the passenger side. The lady parks and gets out and her door swings open and slams into my car with a thump. She looks at me stunned then yells out “It’s alright.” Then proceeds to briskly walk away from the scene of the crime.

I shut off my engine, and slowly get out of my car. By this time, she was halfway across the church parking lot. I look at the damage. She broke off the corner of side mirror housing and shaved off a portion under it. I calmly open my door and take out a pen and paper. Except, I didn’t find any paper so I got a business card. I have plenty of those. On a side note: how come they give you more than you’ll EVER need? I go to the back of her vehicle and start writing down the license plate and expiration. I was about to leave when the following happens:

Lady: WHAT are you doing?
Me: I am writing down your information, ma’am.
Lady: But why? Nothing happened.
Me: We’ll see about that. I want to be sure to have your information in case I need to file a claim.
Lady: *yelling* What’s the matter with you? Nothing happened! Why are you doing this?
Me: Ma’am, why are you upset? Please stop yelling. You are the one that hit me. I did not touch your car.
Lady: But nothing happened! Fine, I want *your* information.
Me: Alright.
Lady: *stumbling to find pen and paper … having a hard time.*
Me: Ma’am, would you like to borrow my pen?
Lady: Alright. What’s the make of your car? And model? And year?
Me: (thinking I was happy with just the plates, but if she wants to play ball) Oh, you want to do it like that? Alright. It’s a 2005 Acura TSX. What about yours?
Lady: It’s a Pontiac.
Me: Year?
Lady: ’94. ’99.
Me: Ma’am, is it ’94 or ’99?
Lady: ’94. No wait, ’99. What’s your name and phone number.
Me: Ma’am, is it ’94 or ’99?
Lady: It’s ’99! What is your name and phone number?!
Me: Ma’am, settle down. Here is my business card.
Lady: (looks at card) Is this your name and phone number?
Me: Yes ma’am, that’s what a business card is.
Lady: Well nothing happened!
Me: If nothing happened, you’ll have nothing to worry about.
Lady: No, then *you’ll* have nothing to worry about.
Me: Are you threatening me? At church? In the House of Our Lord?
Lady: No. But I said I am sorry. And nothing happened. *starts walking away*. It was an accident.
Me: People pay for their mistakes everyday, ma’am.

3 Responses to “Are You Threatening Me? My”


  • Yeah, Joe Friday… you should have taken her downtown!

  • my favorite part of the story was when you said, “Are you threatening me? At church? In the House of Our Lord?” you should have busted proverbs 14:29 on her. good story, vo.

  • In case anyone is wondering – Proverbs 14:29 He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.

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