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Worst Movies Of All Time

My friend Stephani and I keep a very elite list of movies that we deem “The Worst Movies Of All Time.” Currently, there are only a couple of members, as the selection process is very strict. You have to suck big time to get on the list. For you to get an idea of what we are talking about, here are the current members:

  1. Mob Squad
  2. Wing Commander
  3. The Movie Who’s Name Cannot Be Spoken (seriously, it’s that bad. Highlight the area between the brackets to see > A Simple Plan <)

Well ladies and gentlemen, last Friday I saw a movie and I barely half-way through, I knew we’d have a new addition. I present to you my review of:

Ultraviolet – 1 of 5 Stars

I want to give you some background on this movie and tell you why I was so excited to see it; why I was hyping myself and others up about it ever since I heard it was announced. One of my favorite movies of all time is Equilibrium. In fact, I love it so much that when I interviewed people for jobs, the last question I’d ask them is if they have ever seen it. It came out in 2002 in a very very limited theatrical release. The only people I know that saw it at the time, had to drive to Los Angeles and they had to go to some small theatre. We are talking about a true indie release here, for a movie that was destined to be a blockbuster. I love this movie so much because even for the first time, an action movie did not completely rip off The Matrix. I am not sure if you remember, but after the Matrix came out, every action shooter used wires and “slow time”. It became very cliche as studios rehashed the same scenes over and over. Watch Equilibrium and come back to me. I dare you to say that Gun Kata is not the most unique and innovative cinematic fighting technique you have ever seen. Those of you that have seen the movie are now nodding your head, because it’s true.

The story goes like this: When Kurt Wimmer was making Equilibrium, he didn’t have time to train the actors in Gun Kata (a martial arts technique he invented) so he hired a professional choreographer. The expert was a professionally trained martial artist and he modified Gun Kata to be very rigid, with very deliberate moves. The Gun Kata you see in the movie is actually the choreographer’s interpretation. It’s not the fluid style that Wimmer intended. Frustrated by this, Wimmer set off to write his next movie, Ultraviolet, which would be a showcase for his version of Gun Kata. He specifically wrote the lead role for Milla Jovovich.

The main character’s name in the movie is Violet. Though Ultraviolet is a pretty witty play on words, I think there are some other titles that might be more appropriate for the film. Rearranging the letters in the title, we get treasures like:

  • A Vile Lot Tut (Very vile!)
  • Volatile Rut (Volatile is right)
  • Viral Let Out (A virus that plagues the movie industry)
  • All Veto I Rut (Definitely Veto this movie!)
  • All Viet Tour (I think Dave would like this)
  • Art Evil Lout (Evil indeed)
  • Tart Evil Lou (Leaves a bad taste in your mouth)

Last Friday, a bunch of friends of mine and I went to Q’s for Happy Hour. We had sushi and drinks. Then we killed some time at Coldstone’s and went to the Metro 4 to watch Ultraviolet. I was so excited and so was Colleen. It was her kind of movie. The others were along for the ride. 30 minutes into the movie, I was starting to squirm uneasy in my seat. The combination of feeling utterly disappointed and guilty was just too much. I looked over at Nick and we bothed mouthed “Oh my God.” It was like Wimmer thought of a dozen “cool” ideas and decided to implement them all, regardless of any sense (or lack thereof) that it made. He had color changing uniforms and hair, magical biological effects that allowed instant manipulation of body parts, anti-gravity, you name it. You know what it didn’t have? Gun Kata! That’s right. There was perhaps one or two instances in a fight scene that I recognized Gun Kata in. The rest was just lame wire-fu.

The whole thing had special effects, airbrushing, and CGI added. Even scenes that completely didn’t need it. They often showed closeups of Violet’s face and she was missing a nose. Why? They airbrushed her whole body. They airbrushed a live actor. What the hell is going on? There was a fight scene on the roof where she fights a group of Asians. Of course, they were all martial arts experts. She spoke to the leader in Chinese. He responsed in Vietnamese. WTF?  I looked over at Michelle. She was sleeping, her head on Nick’s shoulder. She must have felt my heavy apologetic eyes on her because she woke up, turned to me, and gave me a dirty look. There was a point in the movie where Violet dies. I was about to stand up to leave but she somehow pulls through. WHY GOD?!? Why have you forsaken me? Everyone clearly looked disappointed. The guy behind us spent the whole movie playing games on his cell phone. The glow from the backlight was the only thing shining in that theatre.

I got home and I checked the score on IMDB. It didn’t have one because there were not enough votes. I quickly changed that and added my score. This movie just makes me sad.

4 Responses to “Worst Movies Of All Time”

  • Sure, what’s your suggestion?

  • Dude, is that even a real movie?

  • Dude! How come you had to wait so long to review Ultraviolet? You know how much money we wasted going as a family to that turd? Even Milla Vocovich walking around nekkid couldn’t save that movie.

    Worst movies – Highlander 2, anything directed by Steven Spielberg. I’ll have to get back to you.

  • Blah blah – Come on, at least leave a nickname or website address. Anyway, ignorant? That’s a bit harsh. She is not speaking Vietnamese. There was a pretty big debate about it on IMDB. It concluded when someone (finally) posted details from the novel from which the screenplay is based.

    the novel says that that is the asian part of town…where the people know about 3 languages and changes them thruout the conversation at will…..


    “most of them spoke at least two languages and switched from one to another regularly within the same conversation”

    The movie did not cover this at all. They just glossed over it. I am not sure which I think is more rediculous or upsetting. My original assumption in which Wimmer had them speak different languages or the fact that it was intended but didn’t explain to the audience why.

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